I'm Still Sober
by TimelessTwilight
Summary: Edward changed Bella some time ago right after their marriage, and has kept his distance ever since. Feeling an overwhelming sense of rejection, Bella just wants to be loved again. What will it take for this to happen?
1. reminisce

**"Why don't you love me anymore, Edward?..." Edward changed Bella some time ago right after their marriage, and has kept his distance ever since. Feeling an overwhelming sense of rejection, she just wants to be loved again. What will it take to make this happen? And, more importantly, what made him keep his distance in the first place?  
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**My one and only disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or the characters depicted in this fan fiction. Those belong to the lovely Stephenie Meyer. It's not my intention to steal anyone's work. **

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_Three months and I'm still sober_

_Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers._

_Three Months and I'm still breathing..._

_Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know_

_It's never really over, no. _

_-"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson-_

It's been five months, twenty-five days, ten hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds...fifty-seven...fifty-eight... fifty-nine. At least I think this is right... all forms of time seem to just run into each other now.

But then who would you expect but me to be a vampire who forgets? One who cries? Who doesn't have an overwhelming sense of blood lust? Who wanted this life so badly to spend forever with the one man I've ever loved, yet still hasn't gotten what was expected to be 'normal' in return?

I took a swig of the bottle of pure-grain alcohol I held in my hands. I had picked up this habit not too long ago. I knew it wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't feel any effects of it at all, and I would just end up regurgitating it later. That's the curse I've discovered about being an immortal being like I am-- no matter how hard you try, you can't drown your sorrows quickly and easily. You had to be awake every moment of every day, feeling every bit of pain. It was all in vain, I knew. But to Hell with me if I wasn't going to try. I brought the bottle to my mouth once more.

Yes. I do believe it's been five months and twenty-six days and however many minutes and seconds have passed since I've been changed. Five months and twenty-six days since I married my love. Five months and twenty-six days since Edward has really looked me in the eyes. How cowardly, not only of him, but of me. I haven't even really confronted him about this yet, only let it consume me slowly from the inside out. Has he not seen how much his distance hurts me? Why won't he really look at me? Is there something wrong with me?

Okay, strange question– Of course there's something wrong with me. I'm completely abnormal for a vampire without any real rhyme or reason. Even Carlisle can't figure this one out. "It just is what it is," he says. Yeah, right. But even though I am a weirdo, I'm still Bella. I may have the hard skin, the faded maroon eyes, a heart that doesn't beat, the unnatural beauty that was never even close to a characteristic of Old Bella... but I am still me on the inside. Right? Isn't that what's supposed to count?

"Why don't you love me anymore, Edward? " I whispered quietly to myself, looking at the shiny diamond on my left ring finger and half-heartedly wishing he heard me. If he was in the house, he surely would have. He told me he did, but did he _really_ still love me the way he used to? I looked out the window of mine and Edward's over-sized bedroom-- I had moved into the new Cullen mansion right after my change. The new house was nearly identical to their last. It had woodland surrounding it from all sides, hidden away from the world in rural Oregon– far enough away from Forks to avoid the werewolf pack, close enough for me to check on Charlie when I felt the need.

Poor Charlie. I check in on him often to see how he's coping with my disappearance; there's still a search out for me after this many months, mainly just him now holding on to any bit of hope he has left. The humans at least still have never found anything that points to what could have happened to me.

Jacob is looking for me too I hear. Of course, he knows what happened to me. Alice tells me that he's been looking for me since the day it was announced that I "mysteriously disappeared." He wasn't going to find us though, for that I was sure. I wasn't very surprised to hear that my at-one-time-Sunshine still loved me even after all of this, and wanted to protect me. Despite his rage against the vampire family I love, I still missed him every day.

Besides Charlie, I've also checked in on Jake a few times. Edward wouldn't be too happy to hear that-- At least I don't think he would. Even when I was on their land, the Quileute pack never caught my scent. Everyone but Jacob was just too fed up about this to care anymore.

Every time I've checked on Charlie, he's either asleep or sitting at the table eating burnt food he cooked himself, always foods that I had cooked for him when I was alive. His depression is slowly killing him, I can feel it. Many times I think of him and Jake and can't deny my selfishness; Perhaps this is why Edward and I's relationship has take the turn it has. Because he sees that only a true monster could do that to people they love. Perhaps this was the answer to my question. _Is_ this really the reason Edward only looked through me now?

A tear rolled down my cheek as I reminisced. Looking out my window, I saw Edward run into the woods– hunting again I'm guessing. He doesn't tell me these things anymore. He's always running these days. I saw the rest of the family follow close behind him into the dark forest. This was one of the few times they've ever left me by myself. Good. I needed this time to think.

I took another drink as I thought back to prom night all those years ago. Alice and Rosalie made me into what looked like Barbie's posh best friend... and secretly, though I would never tell them this, I actually liked it. I'll never forget seeing Edward at the bottom of the stairs staring up at me in awe as I limped my way down. I could see the love in his eyes. Oh, how I wanted to just run down those stairs and jump on him in all his beautiful glory, smothering him with all those deep kisses I had been holding in for so long. But, because of his boundaries and my stupid gimpy leg, I resisted.

Another memory flashed in my mind. Shortly after graduation, I had a run in with Victoria that nearly ended in both mine and Edward's demise. Thankfully, she was the only one 'dying' that night, and such a gruesome death it was. If I were only to remember one memory of my human life, I know that would be it. I'll never forget seeing Edward in the most ravenous state I had ever seen him in in my human form. He tore her limb from limb, crying out in loud, violent roars as blood and vampire flesh splattering us both. It was as if I was in a warped dream state where I was going crazy, watching the love of my life being the monster he always professed to be. As traumatizing as it was, I knew he had to do it for my safety. After that, Edward swore to me that he would never let me get hurt or see him like that again. A few months later, him and I were married and he had changed me. I wasn't sure if it was just because of that one incident that happened, or if he finally realized how much I wanted this life. Most likely a combination of the two...but I didn't care as much as I felt I should have. I was going to spend _eternity_ with the only man I've ever loved. That was enough for me.

Even after his emotional detachment, I still don't regret being changed. I have to most wonderful adoptive family anyone could ask for.

And I still have _him_. My Edward. My love. Though he was so distant now, we still talked. We still slept in the same bed. We still kissed. We still touched. And, yes, we made love. Just not like a normal married couple should...I wish I felt more passion behind those kisses, when he held me. I wanted him to talk to me, not through me. And I wanted to actually feel that connection during our most intimate of moments, like it was on our wedding night. God, it was so perfect then. Because I was human then, he was so gentle, so delicate. When we became one, it was as if the earth stopped moving. Time stood still. We were closer emotionally and physically than it seemed would could ever be. I _needed_ him like that again... I don't see how he couldn't need me, too. He's my drug, my heroin. So much stronger than this PGA in my hands and love _combined _could ever be on a normal human being. But no, it wasn't like that anymore. There have been times when I've practically thrown myself at him, and his response most of the time was always to pull me off and say, "It's not the right time, Bella."

It's never the right time.

I was brought back to reality when I heard myself sobbing. This was the first time I had really let my emotions get the best of me in these five months. Suddenly, anger washed over my body like I had never felt before. I stood up and threw the bottle of alcohol at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. I flung myself onto the bed at vampire speed and buried my face into a pillow, muffling my cries so maybe no one would hear me. It was in vain, I know, but I needed to lie to myself right now. I needed to not think of Alice probably having already envisioned this, to not think of Jasper being able to feel this emotion coming off of me. Even from the woods, I know they could hear and sense this. But I won't believe it. Not now.

"EDWARD!" I yelled into the pillow. Over and over again I screamed his name in a fit of sobs.

"EDWARD! WHY! _WHY_ DON'T YOU WANT ME?!!" I couldn't control myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I punched at the bed. I flailed my legs. I felt myself crumble. Everything was spiraling downward so quickly as I yelled his name into the darkness. I don't know how long I lay there, letting out my frustrations into the down and cotton of that pillow.

"Bella." I heard a deep, broken voice from the doorway. I didn't want to think his name... I didn't want to admit to myself who had caught me in this pitiful state. I felt the presence of the person move to me quickly. I was gently lifted and cradled into stone arms. I struggled against his grasp, punching at his chest, but he didn't budge. Quickly realizing that struggling wouldn't work, I gave up and melted into him.

"Bella. I love you so much." The man said, his voice cracking with every word. His cheek rested against my head as he rocked me, kissing the top of my head

'But do you really?' I thought to myself. "Edward." I whimpered softly into his chest. "Edward..."

"I'm here, my love. I'm here." He said.

"No... no, you're not." I could barely speak. So much had been taken out of me in my sudden breakdown.

"Yes, I am here, Bella. I'm holding you." He whispered into my ear seemingly confused. He kissed me there. I shuddered.

I gathered everything in me, and raised my voice slightly. I looked up and into his beautiful eyes. "No, Edward. Not like you should be."

Everything was silent after that. It could have been hours since a word had been spoken. We just sat there looking into each others eyes, trying to decipher one's emotions. His liquid gaze permeated my very soul. I was so angry with him, but all that went away with that single gaze. He hadn't looked at me this way since our wedding night, what seemed like ages ago. I couldn't resist.

"...I know." He said, barely audible. His golden irises melted into a darker shade, and he quickly hung his head away from me in shame. I felt his body stiffen against mine, then shake as he took a deep, ragged breath. He closed his eyes tightly, and his mouth became a straight line. It was as if he were about to cry... he looked nearly as broken as I was.

"Why? Why?... Why?" My words tapered off as I began crying again silently. For myself, but mainly for him. I couldn't stand seeing him like this. My love. My angel. My everything.

He grabbed my face gently with both hands, pressing his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes, and I savored this moment of closeness that I hadn't felt with Edward in far too long. He exhaled sharply, so much that it startled me. Before I could comprehend what happened, he was resting over me, kissing me with a passion I'd never experienced.

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**And there you have it-- the first chapter of my first ever fan fiction! ****So please be nice if at all possible. I never claimed to be a good writer, so take it easy on me. Whether you like it or not though, please review! Constructive criticism is always welcome. **

**I'm a slow and critical writer, so don't expect the chapters to come quickly. I really wanted to wait until I was done with the entire story before I posted it, but curiosity of what others thought of the story got the best of me so I ended up posting it anyway. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with it in terms of the plot, future POV's, etc., or even if I'm going to continue the story at all. If I do, I expect it to be a short story. But we'll see. Depends on what you, the audience, has to say. ;)  
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	2. Monster

**Truly, I thank you all so much for your positive reviews! It was such a confidence booster! I'm glad to hear that I evoked some emotion in my readers. This was my goal, to make it realistic, to make the hurt so real that you can feel it. I really hope I do the first chapter justice with this second one. Happy reading:)**

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My emotional collapse moments earlier was quickly thrown out the window as Edward's cold lips pressed fiercely to mine, one arm crushing me to his body as the other held himself over me. l couldn't help myself. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands thrust into his hair. His tongue trailed across my bottom lip as if asking for entrance, and I immediately granted it to him. As our tongues battle for dominance, his hand sliding from around my waist up to the valley between my breasts. He stalled there as if to tease me before inching over to my left breast, kneading and massaging the small clothed mound. If my heart could beat, I know it would be thrumming right now, challenging these ribs to keep it in my chest. I felt his thumb glide over my now taught nipple, and I moaned into his fevered fast-moving mouth. I guess he took this as a sign; He sat up, removing his button down shirt and stripping me of my blouse at once. It only took a second, but with his now dark ocher eyes boring into my dark red ones, it felt like it took far too long. Before I could say another word, he was back over me trailing rough kisses down my jaw and neck.

"Edward..." I breathed. My hands found his chiseled, stone chest, and I ran them along the long, defined muscles there feeling him release a sweet sigh onto my neck. I inhaled sharply as his palm once again found my breast and, with his forefinger and thumb, pinched and twirled the nerve filled bud vigorously through the thin material of my bra.

"Oh! _Edward!_" I gasped, involuntarily arching my back and lessening the space between us. I wrapped my right leg around his waist at once and began grinding my center into his hipbone, easing the ache there a bit only to bring on another sensation. It went from my core to the very tips of my fingers and toes, and I shuddered in delight at the feeling. I felt him smile into my neck as he nipped at the sensitive flesh there.

"A little eager, are we? We just started, my dear." He chuckled softly into my ear, tisking at me playfully. He sucked my earlobe into his mouth and my fingernails dug into his hard skin. I used my free leg to swiftly run it up and between his thighs, and I could feel his hardness pressing against his ever-tightening slacks. He shuddered in pleasure from both my shin now rubbing his throbbing groin and the roughness of my nails. His hand moved quickly down my naked torso to my jean clad thigh, caressing there before moving up and grasping my bottom bringing me closer as his tongue trailed across my collar bone.

I was so close to the edge as I ground into his side. I could feel it coming. So much passion. So much desire radiated from the both of us. I hadn't felt this in so long. I welcomed it. I reveled in it. I didn't want it to end. It was almost as if the breakdown moments before hadn't happened in the first place...

The breakdown.

What exactly was that about again?

...Oh, yes. Our relationship. His distance. My rejection. My mind wandered back to that as Edward pushed the cups of my bra aside to kiss the soft skin there. I let out a soft mew and ragged breath as his cold, wet tongue found my nipple. I looked down at him and all his concentration was on that one task; he was so into the moment. But how could _I _really be? All my focus had shifted from every particle of my being preparing for my orgasm that this beautiful man was inducing in me, back to images of me in hysterics on this very bed. Why? _Why_ was he doing this now so soon after I fell apart in his arms? Was he trying to make me _forget_? Was he trying to _dazzle_ his way out of this like he did everything else? No. No, I wouldn't have it.

I was brought back to earth when I felt his hand pull my panties to the side, and a single finger trail the entire length of my slit, hole to sensitive clitoris. I jumped and exhaled sharply, shutting my eyes tightly.

"Bella?...Are you alright, my love?" Edward said huskily. He was looking up with lustful half-lidded eyes as he tongued the underside of my right breast, massaging the other one almost violently. I hadn't even noticed that he had taken off my bra and both of our jeans leaving us in only our underwear. He didn't really seem to care about my answer as he was now probing my entrance with that one digit, in and out. It felt so wonderful, but I couldn't do this anymore. My hands had stopped their exploration in his bronze hair. I felt a frown on my face, betraying me. Why is it that I had to wear my emotions on my sleeve? It was utterly unfair.

"No, Edward. I'm not alright." I huffed. He immediately shot up and was sitting over me, stroking my hair and looking into my eyes. He must have not expected that response-- he seemed truly concerned now. I hated when he gave me that look. It was so sincere it was almost sickening.

"What's the matter, love? I didn't hurt you did I?" That look intensified and hardened as he waited for my answer. My eyes clenched tightly and I let out an exasperated sigh. Why did he dazzle me? _Still?_ Even when I was becoming irritated with him? This just further annoyed me.

"No, no you didn't. But... but what _is _this, Edward? _Why_ _now_?" He gave a confused look, and his hand stopped smoothing my hair.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Bella." With his expression, his reply seemed once again so sincere. Such a good actor, he was. I know he knew. Anger suddenly washed over me like a tidal wave. I quickly sat up and pushed him off of me. Even as a newborn, it took all my strength do this. Stupid lack of vampire skills. This should be easy for me.

"Oh, don't play coy with me! You have to know _exactly_ what I mean! This! _You_! Trying to dazzle your way out of explaining to me WHY you've been acting the way you have! Practically SHUNNING me for God's sake! And now you're suddenly _passionate_, trying to have _sex_ with me? This doesn't make any sense." That incessant lump in the back of my throat was there again, teasing me. Threatening the tears behind my eyes to spill.

"_What_? This wasn't about that at _all_. I wanted to be with you, Bella. And I know you wanted to be with me. What is so wrong about me wanting to make love with my _wife _when you were obviously so willing?" Edward was upset now, I could tell. Even while he tried to remain composed, his brow was cinched in a frown creating lines in his perfect forehead. His jaw was clenched.

"What's _wrong_ with it?! Maybe the fact that you haven't even TRIED to be with me like that since our wedding night! You were so into the moment just now, Edward. Really _wanting_ me. I could see it. What happened to that? Why have you been so distant?"

Suddenly, a dry heave came over me. I grabbed at my chest. Then another. Maybe this wasn't just the tears making this lump...

"Bella?!" Edward reached out, but he didn't have time to touch me before I was rushing to our bathroom at vampire speed. I flung myself to the tiled floor, and hung my head over the seat of the toilet just in time for the bowl the catch the contents of my stomach. The strong, bitter liquid burned my throat and mouth as it once again came up. It tasted no different. There was no bile to further sting my throat. This was just another reminder of my inhumanness.

I felt the nearness of Edward as he approached me from behind. His movements were hesitant, confused. He leaned down behind me and held my hair back away from my face as another heave shook my body. I again spilled my the contents of my guts into the commode. My eyes were watering and tears ran down my cheeks as Edward stroked my back, trying to comfort me as best he could right now.

"Oh, love." His voice broke with sadness. "What have you been doing to yourself?"

Ha. "Just trying to fill this hole in my dead heart." I replied, scoffing bitterly. He let out a sad sigh and I could see him wincing in my mind. Still, he continued to stroke my back. "If you were really paying attention you would know, Edward! I-- "

I vomited again. Then again. I never realized how much of that PGA I had drank. Coughs interrupted me as I tried once again to speak. "I... I wouldn't have been redu...reduced to this if you would have ju...just opened your eyes!"

"How long have you been doing this?" His voice held horror now. If I knew him at all, I'd know it'd be because he was blaming himself for this. 'Good,' I thought. 'I hope he does feel guilty. For once... he really should.'

I immediately regretted thinking this. This is not what I want, for him to blame himself for another one of my downfalls. No matter how well that blame is placed...

"A few weeks." I regurgitated once again. The coughing afterward continued. The tears continued to fall, and my nose began to run. There was a trickle of vomit threatening to drip off my chin. Great. How wonderfully attractive must this look? I wiped my face on the back of my hands childishly and turned to look at him. The look on his face was one of complete disappointment.

"Why would you do this, Bella?! This is completely illogical, you KNOW this won't do any good! Haven't you learned_ anything_ from knowing and living with a family of vampires for the past 4 years?! You could have just-- "

"You of ANYONE would know about running from the truth, Edward Cullen!! Running from ME, leaving ME!!" I quickly rose to my feet and stalked passed him and out of the bathroom. It was then when I realized we were both still just in our underwear. I grabbed at my bra and began putting it on but before I could fasten it, Edward grabbed my wrist and spun me around to face him.

"How _dare_ you!" Edward yelled.

"Get off of me!" I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp, but to no avail. He grabbed my other arm just below the shoulder to keep his hold on me, pulling me roughly into his chest not an inch between us now. I kicked, stamping his foot and nearly kneeing him in the groin. He let out a loud "hmf!" and pushed us back on to the bed, pinning my arms above my head. This worked. I could hardly move now with his near full weight on top of my little body. I locked my eyes with his, our faces mere centimeters apart, and he knew I was helpless to look away. I was shocked at what I saw-- his eyes were pitch black, as if he were about to attack. In an instant, I felt so small. So controlled. So _scared_.

This must have shown on my face as his eyes and hard expression soften at once, the irises taking on a slightly lighter color. He seemed in awe of himself... so much self-hatred showed in his face. He immediately rolled off of me and was at the opposite side of the room at vampire speed, as far away from me as possible. He was facing the corner, crouched down with his head in his hands breathing deeply and loudly. I sat up with a whimper. I knew my wrists would be bruised.

"I'm such a monster." He breathed. I felt more tears leak from my eyes. All for him. I sat there for a little while looking at the floor, just trying to comprehend what had occurred. I reached down and picked up my bra, putting it on before I slowly rose from the bed. I stood up, finding my footing before walking over to him, careful not to move too fast. As I got closer, I could see he was shaking. More tears fell, and I let out a small sob. When I reached him, I bent down and hesitantly touched his shoulder. He jumped under my touch, and tensed.

"Don't." Is all he said. "Don't."

I didn't listen. My hand moved from his shoulder down his broad back. I stroked him there up and down, side to side, tracing patterns and connecting his beauty marks. And that they were. So beautiful, so human for such an inhuman creature. I lingered there for a moment praying he wouldn't push me away. He didn't. He didn't even move at all. I sneakily snaked my arms around his waist trapping him in a hug. My head rested on his shoulder and I planted a kiss there.

"I hurt you, Bella." Edward finally spoke. It was nothing more than a whisper. "I saw the fear in your eyes. I felt my grip on your wrists. Emotionally and physically... I hurt you. _Just now_. I promised you and myself that I would never let anyone hurt you again. And it's me that caused it. I'm such a monster.You shouldn't want me. Just run away now. Do it, please...I don't deserve you..."

I tightened my hold on him. It felt like if I let go, he would disappear. I've lost him twice emotionally. Once physically. I didn't need that. Not again. I would literally die... I would have to without him.

"Edward, I forgive you."

"No. No, don't. Please don't." He tensed once more and a sob wracked his body. This killed me. I can't stand him like this. Not my angel. I let out another sob of my own as my tears fell onto his bare skin.

"I'm alright, Edward. I'm _fine. _Don't beat yourself up about this, please. Just look at me."

He stalled. It could have been hours before he slowly rose. I let go of him, softly whimpering from the loss of his body against mine. He turned to face me, waiting a few seconds before looking me in the eyes. Every beautiful feature on his face was touched with pain. Even his body portrayed this. Pain.

"I could have hurt you so much worse that I did, Bella. So much worse. You have no idea..." His face contorted and small sobs escaped his mouth. I immediately took him into into my arms and he collapsed, weeping invisible tears onto my shoulder. I made my way back over to the bed and laid us down on our sides, him still in my grasp. I massaged up and down his back again, cooing him telling him that everything's alright, everything's ok. I felt a strange sense of deja vu, thinking back to a similar breakdown I had it _his_ arms not too long ago. It wasn't long until his sobs were abruptly stopped. I looked down and his eyes were clenched shut, his mouth a straight line as if trying to hold everything in. I know he hated for me to see him like this, so weak. He was taking this so much harder than I was and I couldn't take it anymore.

"You're beating yourself up so much because of this. Stop. Please. If you want to do one thing to really pay me back for what just happened, then just _stop_. I can't stand watching you like--"

"_NO._" He cut me off firmly. He sat up quickly and I followed right behind. He was looking down away from me in shame. It was then that I finally realized-- maybe he was broken, too. I mean, of course he was now, but before that-- his reason for practically severing his emotional relationship with me. Was this _his_ sudden breakdown after keeping all his emotions pent up... just like mine? I grabbed his cheek stroking it softly before turning his face to look at me. He did so without restraint.

"Talk to me." It was like an unspoken challenge as I held his gaze until he did as I said. He raised his hand to take mine away from his cheek. He broke our intense stare to look down at my hand that was now covered in both his own. He toyed with the fingers, traced the visible dead veins. Anything to keep him occupied.

"You don't understand. I..." Edward took a deep intake of breath and closed his eyes.

"The monster in me... _wanted _to hurt you. Wanted to..." The last two words were barely audible.

"..._kill_ you."

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**Cliffies are the spawn of Satan. So slap some horns on me and give me a pitch fork, baby. Bwahaha. **

**I really hope you enjoyed that chapter. Honestly, I wasn't planning on this story to be _this_ dark and depressing. It's just taking me in that direction though. Like Stephenie says, the characters (and the plot apparently) have minds of their own! Hopefully Edward and Bella will decided to get on less depressing grounds soon though. We'll see. We're going to have to discover some things first though before that happens.**

**Click that button and get ta writing some words:D  
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	3. Remember

**Hey, all! I'm back with a new chapter. This one was a little harder for me to write, but was still fun. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. And thank you so much for all the reviews! They really do help me so much to continue through writing blocks, and make me so happy. I'm praying I won't let any of you down. :)**

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I replayed what he had just told me over and over in my mind. _The monster in me wanted to hurt you. Wanted to kill you._

_...kill you_

_...kill you._ My head was spinning.

"You-- you what?" I couldn't believe it. Yes, I knew I saw attack in his eyes, but murderous anger? I wasn't so sure. Maybe it _was_ a possibility that I _did_ notice that and just didn't want to realize it.

"_Kill _you, Bella. You heard me." Edward said, surprisingly calm. "I know you saw it in me. The anger. The rage. Don't lie to yourself." Did he really see in me that I was questioning that very thing? Was I that transparent? I sighed and closed my eyes, coming to terms with everything. He was right.

"Okay, Edward. Yes, I saw it... and I was scared. I haven't seen you look at me that way since the first day I saw you." I thought back to that day in biology all those years ago. He was such a beautiful, inhuman creature, and I believe that he hated me. Little did I know what was really happening though, how dead on I was about his inhumanness.

His head snapped up at my words, making me jump. He turned his body to me and maroon eyes met gold ones, my hands still in his. I hated what I still saw in his eyes, in his expression-- defeat. Sadness. Guilt.

"It wasn't just those two times, Bella." He said in a raspy voice. He was struggling, it was clear. "When I changed you, something changed in me, too. I don't know what and I don't know how. But it's like the little bit of goodness, the little bit of heart that _you_ made me realize that I had... was taken away." His eyes moved down to my neck, and his hand released my own to caress the skin there. "Once I sunk my teeth into your flesh... Bella, I couldn't stop."

I gave a small sigh, partly in relief. "Edward, that was to be expected though. I know my blood was potent to you. But you did it. We got through it." The best encouraging smile I could give appeared on my face. His expression only changed from one of sadness to one frustration.

"No, NO, Bella. You don't understand! You don't REMEMBER like I do!!" His sudden outburst startled me, as he stood up and turned from me, starting to pace.

And he was right. I flinched remembering those three days of Hell, three days of excruciating pain. That and that alone was all that I remembered from those days. The fire. No pain in the world could amount to the feeling of venom encompassing your body, hardening you and burning you from the inside out. I was being burned alive, it felt, for three full days. I begged for death without words, I scratched at my bite wound hoping it would open up and I would bleed to death...

I shook my head, shaking these memories from my thoughts. No. Not now.

"I'm not going to know until you tell me, Edward... I'm not a mind reader, ya know. We can't all be so lucky." I tried to put my anxious state behind me, and laughed softly in efforts to lighten the mood.

"This is no time time for jokes, Bella." Edward said, turning to me once more. Despite his words, his irises lightened, softening his whole expression though it was still hard as stone. He sat beside me as he gripped my hands once more. And with that, he told me everything...

::::::Flashback:::::::

EDWARD

The moment of truth was now. I stroked Bella's long hair as she lay cradled in my arms, looking up at me with all the love in the world. All that love I didn't deserve. We sat on the floor of my room in the old mansion as my brothers, my sisters, my creator, and my surrogate mother all surrounded us. I knew they weren't only here to lend their support, but they all had a job as well once my razor teeth permeated the pale thin membrane of her skin. I searched her eyes for fear, for regret, yet I saw nothing but her complete and utter want for this, for this life so she could be with me. And who was I to deserve such sacrifice? I bent down and pressed my hard lips to her soft ones gently in a tender kiss, breathing in and savoring her beautiful scent. I was going to enjoy it while I still had it, while she was still the Bella I fell in love with in every way. I broke the kiss far too soon for either of our liking. I had to do this soon before I backed out. Before I had to break Bella's wish and not change her myself.

"I love you so much, Edward. I trust you." Bella spoke these words that I already knew.

"You are my life. You are my everything. Till the end of time, Isabella... I will always love you." At my words, her eyes closed and a single tear ran down her cheek. I wiped it away with the pad of my thumb.

"So dear I love him that with him, all deaths I could endure. Without him, live no life." Bella whispered softly, Juliet to her Romeo. I couldn't contain the love bursting in my body. I bent my head and kissed her with all the force I could without hurting her, feeling her gasp in my mouth in pleasant surprise. The thoughts of the vampires around me tried their best to turn to other things, believing this to be such a private moment that they had to respect.

_"Edward." _A thought. Carlisle's thought. I broke Bella and I's kiss to look up into his cautious but comforting face.

"_When you're ready..." _I nodded in response. Bella placed a small pale hand on my cheek, turning my head down to look at her, and reached up touching her lips briefly to mine once more. I held her close to me in an unbreakable embrace, not wanting to let go.

"I'll expect you to be the first person I see when I wake up, okay?" She said, a smile in her voice. I couldn't help but smile back, even through all the stress of the moment.

"Not even the end of the Earth could stop me, my love."

Looking up, I gave a telling nod to my family signaling that I was ready. This was it. It was time. Carlisle and Emmett were gripping my shoulders in preparation to pull me back. Jasper was taking hold of Bella's hand. _Calm. Calm. No pain. Serene. _His mind spoke as he concentrated; Bella relaxed into my arms at his very thought. _I can't take all this hurt._ Alice. Her eyes were wide and her expression pained. She reached down and rubbed Jasper's back to sooth and comfort him for the pain he was about to second-handedly feel. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion as I bent down and kissed her neck one more time, venom coating my razor teeth. And with a deep inhale, I pressed those teeth to her neck, and bit...

The taste hit me like a freight train as the first drop of her blood hit my tongue. All previous thoughts and hesitance left my body. I felt instantly the strange sensation of powerful and weak mixed together, as if I could both faint and conquer the world at the same time. Such an addicting feeling. A deep moan of ecstasy escaped my lips. The control drained from my body as something far stronger took hold... hunger. That insatiable hunger for this blood that I resisted for so long broke, and I gripped her harder to my chest, beginning to suck in the delicious liquid. So sweet, so indescribably luscious in taste, in smell, in texture. It filled my senses, better than anything of my dreams, better than anything I could have hoped for. Her body soon gave way to my gripping arms as I felt and heard bones breaking, shattering. Her weakness was my strength, and venom poured from my mouth, onto her gaping wound, and into her bloodstream. Blood-chilling, muffling screams filled my acute hearing, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't give this up. I couldn't let go. This was no longer my love, my Bella that I held in my arms, but instead my prey. A lone girl that must die at my hands as I sucked the crimson life from her. It wasn't a choice-- it was an inevitability. No remorse was felt at this thought. Only the sweet victory of getting to have every last drop.

Few seconds had passed since I had bit into her, and more screaming and commotion began all around me. Voices and thoughts that I couldn't comprehend filled the room. Strong arms were pulling me back away from my meal, pulling this girl from my grasp. My teeth broke away from the bloody mess of her throat, and an ear-splitting roar erupted in the room. I struggled with all my strength against those holding me back, but to no avail. There were too many. I felt hate, want, blood-lust, desperation. The little part of me that wanted to stop was dwarfed by my insatiable hunger, and my insatiable hunger for her was being teased as these other strong beings practically dangled her in front of me. I felt hate for them, hate for _her_ to tease me so. Gushes of sweet blood, coming fast from her torn jugular, were wasted as they ran down her beautiful neck and onto the hardwood floor, staining it red.

I was being dragged out of the room in a struggle as the sight of her writhing on the ground and being tended to by three vampire women disappeared before my eyes. Another roar erupted from my chest. I turned my head, biting and tearing at the hard flesh of all the male vampires over and over. I had to get away, I had to get back to her, even if it meant destroying anything in my path. Still, despite the open jagged wounds I was creating, this didn't seem to slow them down.

Another second passed, and I was pulled from the house and run into the darkness. This fresh air I sensed did little good. Her beautiful scent was still all over our clothes, filling my nostrils, her taste still on my lips. God, that _taste_...

"LET GO OF ME!! I NEED IT!! I NEED HER!!" I tore at their flesh more, roaring and still struggling. Crazed and out of control.

"Edward!! Edward _look_ at me!!" It was a familiar voice, soothing in its familiarity despite it's volume. This brought me back to earth. I looked around and my hazed hunger-driven state broke slightly as I recognized the faces of the ones holding me back-- Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper. Bloody and mangled. I recognized where I was-- the woods. The birds were chirping happily, the wind blowing freely. Such a contrast to what I was experiencing... I was a prisoner.

I dropped to the ground instantly, them still holding onto me, and began shaking in desperation. I needed more of that sweet, bloody nectar on my tongue. I could hardly control myself. I could hear her lovely screams all the way from the woods. It was like she was intentionally trying to torture me, reminding me of the reason she was in such pain-- my venom in her bloodstream. My teeth having sunk into her skin. Her blood being drawn from her body into mine. I licked the remnants of her blood desperately from my mouth and lips, gathering what was left from my chin with my hands and sucking it off my fingers. There was a voice inside of me telling me I could never have enough. That even if she died at my hands, I would still want, _need_ more. It was telling me that my darling Bella had to die in spite of everything. And I listened to it.

::::::end flashback:::::

BELLA

I sat there in awe of what Edward had told me, all in extreme detail. It showed in his eyes that his thoughts were millions of miles away remembering. I couldn't comprehend that this was my Edward he was speaking of. Edward had tasted my blood once before when James had attacked. Why now? Why was this so different? I couldn't believe it.

"This...This really happened, Edward?" His eyes fluttered shut as his thoughts came back into the present again.

"Yes," He whispered.

"What stopped you? From...killing me?" He shuddered. My heart was beating loudly and rapidly, and I was sure he could hear it. Sure he could see my body shaking.

He looked deep in my eyes with disbelief. "How could I? I love you, Bella. Underneath all of that, I still love you."

Somehow, I felt as if he wasn't telling me the whole truth. He was hiding something. I pressed on.

"You said you felt... hate." I flinched at the word. There was a jab in my chest, at my heart. I crossed my arms trying to hold myself together. "What changed _that_?"

He sighed, eyes shut tight. "Again, I still know I love you. In spite of it all."

"What happened for those three days after?"

"I think we should drop this, Bella." His patience was waning.

"I have a right to know this! Is this the reason you haven't been close to me for so many months? Please just--"

"ENOUGH!" He roared. I jumped, taken aback. His irises were dark again in anger as he stared through me.

"I think you should leave." Edward whispered quickly and hoarsely, trying to regain his composer once again.

"E..excuse me?" I couldn't believe it. My eyes welled with tears once again, and my body welled with anger.

"You're making me _leave_?" He just stared at me, his eyes telling me he was sorry, but also telling me he was serious. I stared at him for a long while, willing him to take back what he said. He only stared back.

"If this is what you want..." My anger simmered, and my face fell in acceptance. He wants me to leave? Then I will. I gathered my clothes and slowly began putting them on. I could see in my peripheral vision Edward pinching the bridge of his nose. I looked back at him once more, waiting for a response, any kind of response. But most of all, I wanted for him to tell me he was wrong, for me to stay.

Nothing. "If you let me walk out that door, Edward, I--"

"Goodbye, Bella."

I inhaled deeply trying to fill that hole that was threatening to tear it's way through my chest once more. I twisted the doorknob reluctantly, opening my way, a way out. I walked down stairs at a human pace hoping for Edward to be right behind me. I paused at the foot of the stairs, gripping the handrail, the wood crumbling under my grasp. Nothing. I walked to the door and turned the handle. Nothing. 'Please. Rush down those stairs, beg for forgiveness, yell at me, take me back, _anything_! Just don't leave me again. Don't make me leave. Please. I can't take it." I begged with my mind, knowing that this did no good.

"Be safe." He whispered from the room.

I sighed. "Not enough, Edward." I replied back. Tears welled and blurred my vision.

"You weren't there when I woke up, Edward. You aren't there." The gate broke and my cries flowed freely. I opened the door, not even bothering to close it as I ran full speed toward the dark woods, a mirror image to the woods he told me about as he remembered that day nearly six months ago.

I heard a bloodcurdling roar from the house as I entered the forest, darkness encompassing me from every side. Still, I never looked back.

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	4. Burial

**Thank you all for your reviews!! Hope you all enjoy this next chapter. I had a difficult time writing it. Writer's block has been terrible lately, so I've been doing everything from listening to music, reading various books, watching movies, etc. all to get some ideas on how to continue and finish up this story. Yeah, I've had quite a bit of time on my hands lately. lol**

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I ran into the dark woods, tears to the wind-- the salt water didn't even have a chance to hit my cheeks. I ran, ran from him when it's the last thing I'd wanted to do. But what else _could_ I do? Sitting still would give me too much of a chance to break down again. It would be like giving up, and I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let him win. Miles and miles passed me by and all I could see was more trees, more darkness. I didn't even know where I was, but I couldn't care less. All that was on my mind at that moment was getting my thoughts off of him and his words. _I want you to leave. _It echoed in my mind over and over again. 

"Pull it together, Bella," I whispered to myself as I fought back more tears, the lump in my throat beginning to grow again. It was only then that I first realized the burning sensation that accompanied that lump-- I hadn't fed in days. In all this distress, I had forgotten that. Paying more attention to my surroundings now, I slowed my speed to a quick human pace. The smells filled my senses-- the earthy scent of dirt, the blowing wind, pine and wood from the hundreds of trees surrounding me, the cool water of a nearby brook, the bland-scented blood of little animals scurrying away. As a gentle gust from the east blew my way, I smelled deer-- a doe and her fawn. I began off in that direction until I heard lapping sounds; the fawn must be nursing. 'No...' I thought. 'I couldn't possibly.' I may be a mythical monster, but I still have morals. I took another whiff of the air. A strong scent came into my nostrils, one that I was very familiar with-- mountain lion. Multiple mountain lions that is, scattered throughout the wood. No, I couldn't hunt that either._ That_ creature reminded me too much of another that I was trying to forget. I sighed. Small woodland creatures it is then.

I didn't have to go far before I had a white jackrabbit by the neck, squirming for it's life. I didn't even snap it's neck first to lessen it's suffering-- I just dug my teeth in and drank. It cried out as my venom entered its system, but in my state of anger, this only pressed me on further. I've come to realize that, being a monster like I am, it's all about the fight; we get a sick satisfaction from it. It's all about the fact that something weaker than you is trying to get away in self-preservation, but can't because of your strength, because you have such a power over it. It's about the fact that you could very well kill it without the prey feeling anything, but the power trip is what makes hunting so exciting, so enthralling. But now... right now it was just making me sick thinking about it. That damn power. That damn hunger.

I bit down hard, feeling the cracking of its spine in my mouth. It lay limp in my hands instantly, put out of it's misery. It was only then that I drained the body dry. After I was done, I sat down on the ground, and a strange sense of empathy for this small, defenseless, dead animal took over. I laid it on my lap gently petting at the matted fur as it's lifeless eyes stared into space... and I began sobbing for it. This very well could have been me at the hands of Edward all those months ago; It nearly was. But there wasn't anyone to pull me back from this rabbit, so here it is laying dead. This would have been my fate and I knew it.

I began digging with my hands with all my might into the earth. For some reason, I couldn't just leave the hare bare to the elements, kicked to the side. I set the rabbit into the shallow hole and pushed dirt back over it, packing it down and hoping that no scavenger or insects could get to it and make a carcass of it. Picking up a flat rock, I used another sharp stone to carve two letters into it-- "B+E". A tombstone of some sort, in more than one way. I mashed it into the dirt of the grave, and proceeded to get up.

As I stared down at the gravestone, I heard a howl in the distance. A wolf... God, why now? Of course, I thought of my Jacob. I miss him so much. Especially now when things are so messed up. My sunshine. Now more than ever, I wanted some light in my life. Some hope. I wanted to see him. Though I'm sure Jacob wouldn't appreciate me visiting him for this reason-- Because _Edward_ hurt me _again_. Maybe he wouldn't mind though... maybe it would be alright. I put things more into perspective to get my answer... How would that look, me running to him only when I'm hurting? It would be using him, and he's worth more than that to me. I'm also sure he wouldn't want to see me as a vampire. It would be like bringing back someone from the dead. And then when I left again for good, it would be like realizing that it was all just a dream. That would be unbearable for both of us. I've hurt him so much and I couldn't hurt him further. And more than that, if I were to visit him now, he could follow my scent back to Oregon. He would know where we were located, and we would either have to move or stay and fight. I wouldn't subject everyone to another war just because of my selfishness. I'll just have to suffer. Alone...

"It's not over, you know."

I jumped nearly tripping over a branch in the process, gasping before a shrill scream escaped my lips. I looked down at the person in the shadows who had spoken. Though I couldn't quite see their face, I knew instantly who it was.

"Oh my God, Alice! Oh, Alice!" I yelled running to her, crashing into her petite body in an unbreakable hug. She groaned as this pushed her back into a tree, knocking the wind out of her. Quickly, I let go of her.

"Alice, I'm- I'm sorry. You just have no idea how much I've needed you, needed my best friend! I haven't seen you in what seems like so long. So much has happened and I- I haven't been able to speak about it until now and- and today Edward, he made me le- le- leave! And...and..."

"Bella! Bella, calm down." She gently clutched me to her once more, consoling me in my near hysterics. "I know, I know, sweetie. I saw everything. Shhh, stop crying." Oh. She was right-- I _was_ crying _again_. Ugh. Who would have thought one person could produce so many tears? My tear ducts must hate me.

I groaned wiping my face with my hands. "God, I must look terrible."

Alice laughed. Oh, how I missed that sound. So melodic. "Yeah, actually you do. Especially since you just wiped dirt all over your face. Here..." She handed me a perfectly folded white kerchief from her pocket. I wondered for a moment why she would need to carry one of those around, and then it hit me-- Of course she would have seen _this_ little outburst. Stupid future-seeing powers. "What the heck have you been doing anyway? Making mud pies?"

I groaned again at her joke, soiling the white cloth as I wiped my face. "Alice, I'm sure you know very well what I was doing."

Her playfulness dwindled. "...You're right." She looked down at the rock with the B+E engravings. "And it's not over and dead, Bella. Far from it. Don't put it to rest." She seemed truly sympathetic.

I nodded my head, looking her seriously in the eyes. "I know. I love him far too much to really leave, no matter what he says."

"And he loves you too much to _let _you leave. He just... doesn't know how to deal with everything right now. But you two _are _meant to be together. He wouldn't have fallen in love with you, his _singer_, if you weren't. I know that you'll always love each other, and you can't stop it. So don't fight it." Alice pleaded, sincerity written all over her face. What she said just made me more upset though.

"Maybe you should go tell Edward that. _He's_ the one that's fighting it! Has been for the past half-year!! So w_hy_? _Why_ did he ask me to leave? _Why_ exactly was he so distant for so long? He never did give me a straight answer. You obviously know, Alice, so _tell_ me." I hissed, annoyance behind every word. I hated to talk to Alice this way, but I've gone for so long without knowing; now, I could see the answers right in front of my face and I was desperate to attain them.

Her face scrunched in emotional pain. She was having difficulty talking to me about this, I could tell. "So many reasons." Her eyes flickered around the dark forest, looking everywhere but into my eyes. She was taking her time, choosing her words carefully. "Part of it is your scent." She finally whispered, speaking slowly. "Your scent, it's... it's so much stronger than when you were human, Bella."

"W...what?"

She nodded her head. "He's never talked to any of us about why he's been acting the way he has. But I'm sure part of it is your scent. Judging from your smell, it's almost like you're still human, Bella. But that scent is just a thousand times more intense." I was having difficulty understanding this. How was this even possible? I was a vampire now, that scent should be gone. Was it still a possibility that Edward hungered for me?

"So this is it? This is why Edward wanted to kill me today?" I asked. She nodded.

"Partially, I'm sure. I know that he has to still be struggling with it, but I can't be for certain if that's all of it. He never talks to any of us anymore about... well, anything. He hasn't only detached from you, Bella... he's detached from all of us. If we didn't physically see him every day, it'd almost be like when we thought he had left us for good..." I know she wasn't meaning to hurt me, but her words were scratching at that hole in my chest again. I clung to my heart with my hands trying to hold it together in one piece. My throat felt as if it were closing up, and I began gasping for breath that I didn't need.

"No...No, Bella. I'm sorry." she said as she embraced me again. I began sobbing dryly onto her designer shirt. My tears had run dry after so much crying in one day. "It was wrong of me to bring that up. But it is true. I can see it in his eyes, the struggle. If my visions are anywhere near correct, it can't be just your scent. It's just... everything. The pain he brought you through the changing process.. what changing you brought out in _him_." Her tone became darker. "You haven't seen the things I have. You haven't seen the things he's thought about, fantasized that he wished he could do."

I sat there in her arms for a moment, taking it all in. "So what he told me.. about nearly killing me, breaking my bones, you all having to drag him out of the room... this is all true?"

"Yes." She replied simply. I had to know more.

"What happened those three days after, Alice?" I know that he hadn't told anyone about it, but maybe she saw it...

"I don't know if Edward would appreciate me talking about that, Bella."

"Please, Alice. I need to know. You have no idea what I've been going through!"

"Heh... actually, I have. I've seen what has to be most everything that's gone on with you two lately. You two seem to be all that make up my visions anymore. Including your little drinking binges." Her expression became hard. "And why would you do that? You _know_ it won't do any--"

"God, you sound just like Edward!" I yelled, pushing her away from me. "And don't try to change the point! What was he doing, Alice?!" Our eyes were locked in a dark stare before she broke it, looking to the ground.

"...He was away."

"Away _where_?"

"Many places." Oh, yeah, like that told me a lot.

"Alice, please don't be vague with me. I need to know. Please."

Her eyes were flickering again, looking everywhere but into my eyes. "Please, Alice. If I have to beg on my hands and knees, I will."

"He was hunting." She finally said. That's it? I'm sure the question was showing on my face. She shut her eyes tightly preparing herself to tell me what she so obviously didn't want to.

"He was hunting... _humans_, Bella."

I gasped. No. No he couldn't possibly. My heart dropped into my stomach, and my head started spinning. I sat down immediately so I wouldn't fall over, putting my head in my hands and hoping I wouldn't pass out.

"No, no, no." I kept saying that over and over. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I saw it in my visions multiple times. He went all over the west coast on a binge-- thieves, murderers, rapists... but most were innocents." The shakiness in Alice's voice was evident. "It's like he wasn't himself. Like he had lost all morality."

"Is that it?" I asked. 'Please say yes, please say yes.' I thought. If it was, I could deal with this... he had slipped up, made a huge mistake. But I still loved him. We could get through it.

"No." Alice said. _My God_.

"What else?" I whispered, eyes tightly shut. I knew this would be bad. I was tempted to cover my ears; I didn't want to hear it.

"... He went to the Volturi." A gasp escaped my lips. My head shot up to look at her, horror plastered on my face.

"No, no, Bella, he wasn't going to kill himself. No matter how guilty he feels, he wouldn't. He loves you far too much to be so selfish." She explained.

"Then _why?_" I whispered hoarsely.

She began slowly. "The Volturi... they know everything that happens in the vampire world. They're extremely powerful. And they have answers to things that we normal vampires could never know." 

"And so he went to get answers... to why he reacted the way he did when he changed me? To what changed in _him_? To what changed in _me_?"

"Precisely." She replied. This was it... everything I had been questioning felt like it was falling into place now.

"And what did he find out?" I was eager now. I had to know. I had to put these final puzzle pieces in place so I could get back to my life. So Edward and I could be together again.

Her reply was the last thing I wanted to hear. "... That's where it goes blank. I don't know." She said. She looked defeated, like she had let me down. I'm sure my expression didn't stray far from her own. But I was still determined.

"Then I'm going to find out for myself." I said, getting up.

"You- you WHAT?" She nearly screamed, getting up and grabbing onto my arm before I could leave.

"I'm going to the Volturi, Alice." I tried to pull my arm from her grasp, but she wouldn't let go.

"No, no you are NOT going to Italy, Bella. Do you have any idea what the Volturi are capable of?!" She seemed so desperate, in near sobs.

"Of course I do. I've met them twice before, remember? I know what they can do to me, but I don't care right now. I need those answers, Alice!"

"Then _please._ Ask _Edward._ He can--"

"I HAVE!' I screamed, now livid. "He _had_ his chance and what did he do with it?! He told me to _leave!! _So I am!" My words sounded so childish, I knew.

"But he didn't mean permanently! He--"

"I don't care anymore, Alice. I'm going to find my answers. And don't come after me." And with that, I once again ran. Ran away from Alice, leaving her alone in the dark forest. Ran away from Edward. Ran away from everything I knew of as _home_ and _love_. I looked back once more knowing that I may never see home again. And for a split second there, I thought I saw _two _figures running in the opposite direction. I shook my head before looking back again to see that no one was there but Alice.

It couldn't have been more than a hallucination.

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